Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Wonderful Wednesday #2


Hello and welcome to the second installment of Wonderful Wednesday. It seems to have come round with enormous pace and already I'm getting the warm and fuzzies in preparation. So let's drive straight in and find out what's been making my week a little special.

1. Finishing my tax return. What a blimming relief that one was. Procrastination and organisation are my biggest enemies which often stresses me out. I promise not to leave the next one so late (she says).

2. Walks. As the sun is setting and the light is fading. I'd been so wrapped up inside that it was good to get outside and just walk. I find it clears my mind and the chilly temperature kept me moving. The day I went didn't have the most impressive sky, but what we got was all sorts of shades of blue, pink and purple fading into night.

3. Knowing my friends are ok. One of my very close friends had a health scare last week. It involved ambulances. It takes a shake like that to value friendships and he got the biggest hug on Saturday.

4. Getting my trackies back on and exercising. It was my first indoor cricket match of the season on Sunday and putting the shirt back on was so much fun. We designed the ladies shirts last year and there's so much pride when I put on the shirt. Plus the pink flashes down the side totally make it! I haven't done any exercise for way too long and this was the boost I needed to get back into my routine.

5. The perfect combination of raspberries and chocolate hazelnut spread. Do I need to say anymore? It's got fruit in so it's healthy right?

6. Hatching a little plan for a summer holiday with the girls. Diaries were whipped out and coordinated and I keep getting sent links of lovely places to go. We are looking for a cheapish European city break if anyone has any lovely cities we should have in mind. I think the anticipation and palling is as much a wonderful part of it as going.

6. Finding myself grinning. I was driving along last week and I just realised a had a smile like a cheshire cat. I was doing something run of the mill, everyday, but my body was telling me I was happy and content. Literally face aching, spontaneous smiles and that's what I want most out of life.

Now it's over to you. What's been making your face ache with smiles? Share it here or on twitter with #wonderfulwednesday. You also need to race over to see what has made Sally and Michelle's week wonderful.

Kate xx

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Wonderful Wednesday #1



For literally years my favourite post of the week has been Sally of SallyTangle's Wonderful Wednesday. Faithfully I have found time in every Wednesday to sit down and read through the wonderful moments that have made Sally's week. Then last week Michelle from Life Outside London joined the bandwagon and both ladies asked if I'd like to join in. Now we're on a campaign to make Wednesday's great (we have capes and everything)!

Onto business, these posts (hopefully the ladies will let me keep my cape for more than one week) are going to round up the things that have been making me smile through the week

1. Cold starry evenings. That first intake of cold breath that hit the back of your throat. I love getting home and being able to look up to a sky full of stars. One thing about living in the countryside is there's no light pollution and you can see so many little stars. The universe is so blooming vast and sometimes this puts what I do into perspective.

2. The best session of cricket coaching I've had in a good long time. I've started back with a group of girls I coached last year pus a whole heap of new ones. Yesterday we had to coach outside. It was freezing (probably literally), but all the girls worked so hard. The enthusiasm makes me so happy and with the sunset casting its pink glow just topped it off.

3. Finding the warmest softest scarf in the sales. It's humongous, so I can wrap myself right up in it and even keep my ears toasty. A bargain at £4 it's perfect for this sharp coldness we're having recently.

4. Catch ups with my best friend. We don't see each other much. She is away at uni and often when she comes home clashes with my coaches. The pain of working unsociable hours. So time together is precious and what could be better than hot chocolate and chocolate brownies. I miss her, but the closeness and shared history make conversation so smooth when we meet.

5. Post. Having left my job before Christmas, I just received a 'We Miss You' card from all the teachers and pupils at one of the schools. It was such a sweet gesture. I've also received some lovely letters from fellow bloggers and friends. One even had a wax seal holding it together. I'm looking forward to taking the time to write replies to all.

6. Not drinking alcohol. I've never really been into drinking alcohol. The taste is not appealing and I've never been keen. It can make my mood much lower. I find myself spacing out of conversations and that twinned with throwing up too many times makes me (is alcohol allergy a thing because it happens every time?) feel I'd have a better time without it. I went out for a meal with friends last week and drunk juice all evening. I felt so much clearer and had a lot more fun. I think this is going to be something I continue.

7. Taking time to relax. I can feel the mists clearing as I get enough sleep. There's fewer thoughts crashing against each other for airtime in my head. Relaxing and taking stock is important. I've been working at a million miles an hour for a long time and I think it's time for a rest.

Now I'd love to hear all about what's been making your week extra special. Please share here or on twitter with the hashtag #WonderfulWednesday. And make sure you scurry on over to see how Sally and Michelle's week's have been made wonderful.

Kate xx

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Emptiness


I haven't blogged for ages.

I haven't found it within myself to project myself into this little sphere of being. I'm not saying I haven't written. I've written more in the last couple of months than at any time in my life. But these musings are raw. They are small scraps of paper with strong emotions that tangle together without a purpose.

Somehow the web of tension is starting to break and I finally feel a little more like myself again. I felt that I had no confidence left. I was so strongly unhappy that I was crying daily for weeks on end. I believed I wasn't good enough. This compounded with difficulties in my job and ultimately led to me leaving. I was in this really low place and no job was better than the job I had.

This took people close to me a time to understand. Why would I jack in a decent job for nothing? That wore into my brain. I felt like I'd made a stupid decision. One I regretted. One that made me feel worthless and without purpose. I sunk lower.

But I knew I needed to find my way, find an opportunity in this mess. A glimmer came when I was offered interviews for dream jobs that would see me working full time in cricket. In all cases I didn't get them. Despite knowing I was more qualified and have more experience. Always their was only one stronger candidate. Knowing I was so very close. The nearness of opportunity broke me more than being cast aside without thought. Friends tried to console me and say that how close I got was a positive, but all I could see was that I didn't have the job.

And nothing. I hid from the world. I didn't want to think about the future or the next day even. There was nothing to get up for, no purpose anymore. I was waiting, but I didn't know what for. I would count the hours until I could go to sleep again, because whilst sleeping I didn't have to counter the pain of failure. I had nothing to look forward to. Emptiness gripped me and tears fell without cause.

How do you come out of that sink hole? That pit?

I have to send a great deal of thanks to my friends. I have uncontrollably sobbed and as I looked through my tears, I have seen the pain in their eyes. The helplessness at what to do and that breaks me. All they need to do is be there. Holding me whilst I cry on her bed is one of the moments I will never forget about my friend. Everyday whilst I hid from the world one friend would text my motivational quotes. They made arrangements with me so that I had something to look forward to. I had a reason to leave my bed. To get up and shower. Whilst I wasn't taking care of myself, the incentive to get up was important. The friends who have sat for hours over a drink when the they have their own families, lives and pressures are truly special. Whispered conversations have taken place quickly whilst coaching. My friends have a facebook group which allows us to share our news and problems so even when we are in different countries I know I have their support. I am so thankful to every single one of my friends who have pulled me kicking and screaming or gently persuade me that there is a future.

This week I am thankful once again. An old work colleague has allowed me to volunteer with her. I have been teaching. She has teased the enthusiasm back out of me. I've enjoyed it. I have a little bit of confidence back.

So what comes next? I honestly don't know and that's the most scary part, but I know I don't want to go back to the feelings I had a few weeks ago.